Still in Paris #20-29

20.     If you are lost, be lost with confidence. You’re in a foreign country. Your parents have hammered in to your skull that thievery is so rampant, even gynecologists and proctologists are amazed how deep a thief can get into your pockets. You have watched “Taken” and your dad is not Liam Neeson. You are male, so using a map is absolutely not an option or listening to your wife, for that matter. The key is to walk as if you are going that way, on purpose. Stride confidently. Look for interesting shops to visit and walk in. Not only do you discover some really neat places but you look marvelously confident and stylish. That bullseye on your tourista back got a little smaller because, after all, you are a tourist but you are not stupid. You are a confident idiot, and that is much different. The Parisians never stole from Jerry Lewis for a reason.

21.     The best flight ever. I would like to thank American Airlines for an absolutely first class experience to Paris. The service was great. The chairs were comfortable and I am still wondering how I lost my wife into the chair. I know she hit the bottom left button and I suddenly saw her ankles, then she asked me to hit her middle right button, I saw her gluteus maximus. Then she hit a button, giggled and she was gone till right before we landed. I had fun with the travel kit we got and watched “Mud” with Reese Witherspoon. I turned my travel socks into puppets as they performed “Metamorphosis” and “No Exit” as a comedy, Kabuki style. The converted sock puppets were better than Reese Witherspoon trying to act slutty. They may do Shakespeare’s “Coriolanus”, it sucks as a play and no one has seen it, and it would still be better than Reese Witherspoon in “Mud”. The food was good, but most of all the Flight Crew was awesome. By far the best flight greater than three hours I have ever had. I think Alexis is still stuck in that seat, hitting the middle left button, and chain smoking Pall Mall filterless cigarettes.

23.     Arrrrggggg, stop emailing me – Turn off all electronic devices. Get a European burner phone for emergencies. You are on vacation, cut the tether. It took me three days to ignore all the e-mails I was getting. While I had a small crap storm upon my return, it had nothing to do with the e-mails that I received in Paris. Just cut the link!

Martin - our tour leader and now friend.

THE Embassy of Texas.

24.     The Embassy of Texas – A strategy we took on our trip was to take private tours in each city we visited. In Paris we actually took three (General, Louvre, Food). All the tours were 1^st class. The first one was with Martin (http://parisbymartin.com/tours). It was a 3 hour tour, a three hour tour, that’s what he promised, just like the SS Minnow. I think I was Gilligan & Lex was Maryann. Martin lied, it was close to 6 hours and it was only because Alexis & I couldn’t go another hour. Hell, we couldn’t go another 10 feet, oops 3 meters. We left him at the Seine.

Martin is a young South American expat. Martin is a thin guy in his late 20s, has short, black curly hair, and an unshaven beard ala Don Johnson from his Miami Vice heyday. He met us at our hotel with this large 28” rollerbag. You would have to check at the airport & they may tag it with a “Heavy” tag. If you were in the Mafioso you would use it as a body transport bag. He greets us at the hotel and whips out a map that he had colored for us based on previous e-mail conversations. He showed us where we were at and said we were on the “Happy” side of the Seine River, because when you turn the map upside down the river frowns. I’ll always know Paris North by the smiling Seine River. So we go for a walking tour and he shares stories upon stories. Alexis & I eagerly eat it up. Heck, we would be happy finding Paris’ biggest ball of twine! We first go by the Embassy of Texas. The Embassy of What the H…..? Texas? Yes, when they became their own state and before they joined the USA, they were independent and opened up Embassies. France was the first one to recognize Texas. Was it the 10 gallon hats that made them recognizable? I digress. Martin turns to Alexis and me and asks, “Are people from Texas different?” Through our laughter we told him “yes” and the laughter and smiles would go on the rest of the night.

Martin's customized map.

How they measure the meter...really...the Embassy of Texas is off to the left, so yeah no crap.

After walking around Paris we hopped the Metro to go to the Eiffel Tower. (Yes, Lex and I broke into a short version of Berlin’s The Metro.) We get to the Eiffel Tower and it is magnificent. We had seen it during the day 24 hours earlier, but it was majestic. You felt like you were 40, 60, 80 years back in time…right up until the pesky street peddlers would bump into you. The third one felt a sharp Greek elbow and that seemed to do the trick. I never had a hankering to hang out at the Eiffel Tower, but now I just wanted to stand and gaze at the yellow din of the lights. Martin sat us down in an area where everyone seemed to be having a picnic. The only exception was the older photographer with the much younger girl. He kept making her jump in front of the tower at night. It was slightly annoying for 5 minutes. Martin goes into the big bag and pulls out a Cheese board with the different regions of France etched on it, pulls a few baguettes and opens a bottle of red wine. He had purchased cheeses from each region, carefully arranged them on the board and then told us about each region. He also put a black T-Shirt on the bag that said “Paris by Martin”. I would have purchased a T-Shirt but they were slightly smaller than my socks…if I wore socks.

He endeared himself to Lex for life when he saw a small Parisian rat. He turned to Lex and said “Ratatouille!” The roar of laughter between them was deafening and infectious. We would go to the Sarbonnes and then to Notre Dame, where he told us the story of every gargoyle and nook and cranny of the doors to the cathedral. It was a tremendous amount of information. His energy level was actually higher after midnight. We would walk around St. Germaine and we noticed all the Greek Restaurants…even in Paris we can’t escape our Greek food service heritage. We walked by the most narrow street in all of Paris, and then we had to stop. We hated to, but we also wanted to be ready for our trip to the Louvre and we were hoping we could actually walk. It was almost 2am and we had just had one of the most special nights ever. (I should point out that I read about Martin on Trip Advisor. He only had 8 reviews when I read about the tour. Today he has 121 reviews. On a 5 star rating system, 119 were perfect. Martin rocks.)

St. Germaine

The doors of Notre Dame A.

The doors of Notre Dame B.

Where we left Martin. Magic one the "Happy Face" Seine River.

25.     “He's a socialist lawyer, so he's cheap.” During our picnic, Martin told us about setting up his business. He said he had a lawyer doing a lot of work. I thought that cost a lot of money and that’s when Martin said, “He's a socialist lawyer, so he's cheap.” I just laughed and laughed. That phrase can be interpreted in many ways…all of them funny.

26.     If you’re about to die in Paris, look to the ceiling. That's where the emergency exit sign you missed is. The sign is green and flush to the ceiling. I just remember having a cup of coffee, looking up and seeing the exit sign pasted to the ceiling. So your last words in a fire would be – “Oh, it’s that way…cough.” Fade to black.

The Starry Night

27.      Vinnie Van Gogh is awesome. Starry Night is almost iridescent. Little Paulie Gauguin did relief work. We got to the Musee D'Orsay and what a great surprise, especially if you love impressionist and post-impressionist art. “Artwork should never be hung on a white wall”. Somebody said that – I don’t know who. Each gallery area had a dark wall which made the artwork just pop straight off the wall. Van Gogh’s genius is immediately on display when you see Starry Night. It almost twinkles in the swirls of the stars. I had seen Van Gogh in New York and Chicago, but this was just surreal. I felt I could just walk through the streets and find his ear. The walls were a deep blue and absolutely made all of his work almost levitate. Every gallery in the world should walk through and take notes. I left with a new appreciation for Van Gogh.

After Van Gogh was the Gauguin gallery. I really enjoy him and realized that he did carvings, too. While the carvings were cool, I still really like his artwork. The walls were a deep maroon red and it really made the carvings pop too. Just like the blue did for Van Gogh.

Ugliest Children ever.

The Shining Twins, less scary than the children by Van Gogh.

28. Your kids are fucking ugly if Van Gogh can't make them look even remotely attractive. I was sucking in the brilliance of Van Gogh when I had to exhale at the hideousness of two young children. OMG! Look to my left, pure beauty with a mundane object. Look to my right, I want to dive into that dreamy landscape from the bad Robin Williams movie “What Dreams May Come” (although Annabella Sciorra was smoking hot in the movie). Then I see these kids that make “The Shining” twins look comedic and fun. Holy Crap! Those children were hideous, and the parents were likely proud of the portrait. I need a shower just thinking about it.

Whistler's homey and huge mom.

29.     Whistler’s Mom is huge, but they don't like it when you whistle and yell "mom". This is a classic painting that I can check-off on one of those buzzfeed.com quizzes that says I was there. I was impressed with the sheer enormity of the painting. It was maybe 6 feet tall by 8 feet wide. It was huge. I appreciated it. Then I turned to Lex and whistled and said “Mom?! Mom?!” then I got the definite vibe I made too much noise and it was time to move on.

It's just better at night!

30. Eiffel Tower at night is better. As I mentioned earlier – it is just so cool at night. It’s worth mentioning again because it was magical.