Not that bachelor life is as glamorous as its portrayed in movies or in real life 25 years later, but it is a "man phase" that is often fondly remembered and always exaggerated with each passing year of its death. Young Jimmy’s bachelor life would come to a crashing sudden end and wind up in the land of love and happiness (that gets exaggerated over time too). This is his cautionary tale.
It was a dark and stormy night. It really was on August 28, 1988. Then
it cleared up, both metaphorically and in real life. Jimmy was about to meet
the Love Goddess for a first date. He lived about 75 miles away in Indiana,
Valparaiso to be exact. To the Love Goddess’ family it was as if he was
traveling from the continent of Indiana. Jimmy’s chariot was loaded with two
bread baskets full of cassette tapes. He would eventually let her choose the
music (a tested suave pickup move), however Jimmy already made sure no matter
what tape she chose it wouldn’t suck. So off he went in his gray Mustang
hatchback with a manual gear shift and a kick ass (that could have been the brand) cassette stereo. The car was
actually clean too – times were slow for the young bachelor, he had to hedge
all his bets.
Raining like crazy Jimmy crossed the famed Skyway Bridge his father
built, paid the 75 cent toll to enter passage into the great state of Chicago, Mayor
Daley owned everything, let’s just be honest from the start. As he crossed the downtown
he arrived to the village municipality of Glenview; A quaint suburb of Chicago,
the caldron of dangerous frolicking.
Jimmy got out of the car a bit disheveled. He was wearing his go to
uniform of white button down shirt, khaki pants, weejuns with no socks and a
vintage London Fog black trench coat. This uniform had been the same since
Delta Tau Delta, Kappa Chapter 1980, no need to change. The Love Goddess’ father,
Doc, a white haired, Phil Donahue doppelganger with a better tan answered the
door and let Jimmy into the chocolate brown carpeted home. There was the whole
family, Craig the brother with the pepper gray hair style even the Grateful
Dead rejected in 1976 and his wife. Marta the sister who had two kids daughter
Jenna and her husband Dave. Finally Jimmy was introduced to the Silver Fox,
because her hair was platinum white. The hair made sense after meeting the
other two kids. After the cursory introductions the Love Goddess, who was
resplendent in a white sweater that highlighted her tan face and the world’s
most brilliant and alluring smile as her jet black hair tumbled down her back,
just touching the top of her Kelly green Capri pants escorted Jimmy out the
door.
The plan was to go to the Improv Institute on California in the great
state of Chicago, enjoy some good comedy and then whatever. They got into the
gray mustang chariot and Jimmy, knowing she lived with her parents, politely
asked if she had a curfew. “You’re Greek and my parents don’t usually have one.
This one time at an Ahepa party …..” No curfew is all Jimmy heard and they were
on their way.
To where is still questionable to this day. See Jimmy had made a fatal
miscalculation, he thought the Love Goddess would know how to get around in
Chicago. Horrible assumption. After they had stopped at White Hen for Bartle
& James Wine coolers and Hanover pretzels (BYOB dinner for the show),
neither child knew how to get to the Institute. In this time before a Garmin GPS
and iPhones a paper fiber map was the only way to navigate. Jimmy certainly
didn’t have one because the Greek male psyche combined with the innate ability
to always be right meant Jimmy could forgo the map AND blame it on the woman
politely.
Yes, they were lost, but not all was lost. Not only had they finished
the Bartle & James and pretzels, but the most amazing thing happened. Love
Goddess picked out the Producers cassette tape and a favorite of his. (She didn’t
suck, she passed the music test, we are off to a good start he thought). They
talked, and talked, and talked for 150 minutes until Jimmy got tired of
driving. At the 120 minute lost in Chicago mark, Jimmy said that they would
stop and start the date there, wherever ‘there’ was.
Fortune smiled upon them when ‘there’ were the corners of Lincoln,
Armitage and Halstead streets. An area populated with a bazillion of drunk
single 25 year olds. Stop one was an Irish Pub called the Everleigh Club. The
sign was white with green lettering and a few shamrocks, but most important they
had a bathroom. Contemplating having a drink, the establishment was overcrowded
so they pressed on till they got to Club 950, a simple brick building with
black lights inside. They ventured in for a draft beer, got tired of listening
to Depeche Mode (which 25 years later they are still playing, please get a
grip) and left.
Eastward down Lincoln avenue they walked until they stumbled upon Esoterics,
THE ‘80s bar that had more shoulder pads than the Chicago Bears. The place was
a fire hazard due to all the hairspray and moose used by the patrons, but the
music was fun so they danced inside of a huge chain link cage with tons of
multicolored neon mixed with cigarette smoke pirouetted on the brown brick
walls. However pirouetting smoke up
there nostrils was too much and it was time to move on to the next haven.
Jukebox Saturday Night, the sign actually had a front half red impala convertible
protruding from the brick wall above the door. They walked in to the strains of
Elvis, Richie Valens, the Big Bopper and all the rest. They twisted to the bar
got a beer and twisted some more. Of course no one ever identified if the twist
was the peppermint twist or some other confectionary twist. Time for the young couple to push forward
where they walked in to Wisefools , a Chicago staple for blues and folk which
was dead for some reason, so a beer and time to move on.
As they walked westward they stopped and wondered if the magical night
should end. Deep down Jimmy was thinking “No frickin’ way! The night is but a
fetus!” but outwardly he feigned slight concern that it was now 3am-ish, should
the evening be terminated? Fortunately the Love Goddess said “No” and the
evening continued to Kingston Mines, another great Chicago Blues Bar.
Kingston Mines is a long rectangular building bisected down the middle
the long way. This is so two bands can play one right after the other. Lonnie
Brooks was on the left and Joanna Conner was on the right. Since there was seating
on the right they sat down even though the band had not started and they
ordered a beer. As the beers came Jimmy decided to impress the Love Goddess
with his ability to name the Humbuckler Pick-ups on the Les Paul hollow body
guitar with the custom Marshall Tube amp in the background gave it that really
cool sound. Jimmy thought she was impressed and noticed she was actually
falling asleep. Time to go.
At this point they went to the car but stopped at Stone Toad Pizza for
a piece of pie and a bathroom break. It was time for a trek back to den of the
Love Goddess. First Jimmy needed coffee and it was a strange detour into the
Chicago at the Rock and Roll McDonalds. From there they were watching the
sunrise over the concrete and glass pasture on the Edens expressway. Jimmy
expressed only one regret that he was so tired that he wasn’t going to walk the
Love Goddess to the door, only because he was bushed.
As they pulled up to the casa on Joy Lane, Jimmy quickly realized that
Joy may not be residing on this lane. For there was Doc with a Titlest 7 iron
in the front yard. Phil Donahue looked pissed. As they pulled into the driveway
Jimmy realized he had to get out to protect the Love Goddess. As Jimmy exited
his car the Doc was yelling “Do you always keep young ladies out this late?”
punctuating every word with a 7 Iron tomahawk chop Again, deep down Jimmy is
thinking “No, I don’t keep ladies out this late, I’m usually bedding them by
now but I think this one is special.” Silence was the better option.
By the time Jimmy gets to the Love Goddess’ door out comes the Silver
Fox closely trailed Marta, the old sister yelling at the Silver Fox not to yell
so they don’t wake her baby. Almost at the door Jimmy turns around to leave and
the Silver Fox says that he should call his mother. “As if” he thought, the Silver
Fox then said to Doc he needs to call the police.
This is puzzling thought our hero, he had already planned to crash at
the coolest aunt on the planet’s place on Katalpa. Quickly things started to
align. See, at the precise moment the two star crossed kids were deciding to “party
on”, her parents decided to “panic on”.
At 3am they decided to notify the police that their daughter was
missing. Doc took a publicity shot of the Love Goddess to the police to report
a missing person. While no transcript exists today it went something like this:
Doc: “Officer, I would like to report a missing person.”
Cop: “How long has she been gone?”
Doc: “She left around 7 last night.”
Cop: “It has to be 24 hours to make it a ‘missing person’. You look
really distraught though, maybe I can help. What’s his name?”
Doc: “Jim, I don’t know his last name.”
Cop: Where’s he from?”
Doc: “Indiana, I don’t know what city.”
Cop: “Well, this isn’t easy, what kind of car does he drive?”
Doc: “I don’t know.”
Cop: “Sir, I really want to help but you know nothing about this man,
if you’re so concerned about her, why did you let her go out with him in the
first place?”
Doc: “I thought it would be okay, he’s one of us, you know Greek,
officer.”
Cop: chuckles “How old is your daughter?”
Doc: “25”
Cop: “Sir, she will be home don’t worry.”
Simultaneously the Silver Fox recalled that she knew the priest at
Jimmy’s church. So she called Fr. Steve, who perplexed, freely gave out the Jimmy’s
home number. The phone rang and the Engineer answered, laughed, handed the
phone to Sugar Cookie. Jimmy was on date with a girl so maybe he’s not gay he
thought. So Jimmy’s mom, Sugar Cookie and the Silver Fox began there bout on
the phone.
It should be mentioned that God created Greek mothers to be honey
badgers protecting their young. The Greek Mother’s child is perfect, sinless
and would never do anything wrong. The ensuing conversation was just that. No
subtlety to start: “My child would never anything like that, what did your
child do to mine?” “My child knows Chicago and I’m from there” “So am I!”
At this point the dueling mothers realize they attended the same
church, with the Silver Fox playing the Organ for the Sugar Cookie and
Engineers wedding. They also attended Amundsen High School and a host of other
things. They went from adversaries to comrades in minutes.
As the dust settled, Jimmy enjoyed three pots of coffee with the Greek
family while Love Goddess fell asleep at the table.
On his way out of “not as much Joy” Lane he knew his bachelor days were
done and he was really tired.
(Copyright 2013 Jim Bratsakis)
